My friend Stephanie complimented the picture of me above, which made me stop to think about it and why I included it in my top 2019 Performance Moments on Instagram.
The picture is a performance. It is a moment in time when I channeled an idea, an attitude, a feeling, and I projected it into the world to be seen (in this case by my iPhone, and now all of you.)
According to her compliment, I succeeded in creating an inviting moment, a sexy moment, a sultry moment. HOORAY (And WHEW)! That’s what I was going for. True, it has a little bit of “Who, Me?” ingenue on the side, but overall the image and feeling convey my intention as its creator.
The reality is that those of us who work creatively, alone, don’t always get feedback on work, so I’m grateful to Stephanie. I wanted to journal a bit about why this small success is not at all small for me.
I constantly need to remind myself that I can perform. Performing has not been a part of my job. My career in education was about the client. I needed to project competence, trustworthiness, and enthusiasm (but that’s just who I am every day).
Educators and service providers are not always present in their bodies. It is a common problem. That meme about nurses or teachers never taking a pee break is the reality because breathing, being aware of needs, and intentionally choosing what to communicate can take a back seat when the job, the thing they have optimized for, is being aware of the student, the client, the patient.
Educator energy is focused externally on questions like:
- “Is that a lightbulb of understanding?”
- “Have I lost them by going too fast?”
- “Did their attention waver and I just need to repeat that or do I need to find another example, a new metaphor that will connect to their experience and enlighten them?”
Of course, the BEST educators can do both: be centered, grounded, inwardly focused AND externally aware, open to the learners, and empathizing constantly to give them the best possible experience. Does it sound a bit exhausting? There’s also nothing else in the world so satisfying to me.
Except maybe, performing.
In 2020 I want to work on clearer intentions, which means better focus, which leads to achieving the intended outcome. That picture of me being very un-Me-like, is a reminder that the heart of acting is being what you intend to be in that moment (even if it isn’t “you” the rest of the time).
When I voice a character, when I get on a stage, when I write dialog, my choices are informed by the intention I choose to put behind them. If I forget to choose, the output is bad. And it is not yet second-nature to automatically get clear about my intention. (That idiom makes me think, what is the FIRST nature?)
Being clear with myself about the intent is HARD for me. Why? Because my first-nature is to find out his intention, her intention, their intention. When you know the intentions of everyone around you, you can react quickly. If you’re a teacher, you can pivot to a new example, shift to a new tone, offer something more helpful. One of my strongest skills is turning on my outward energetic awareness in a classroom or group and shutting my self down.
So in 2020, I’ll be working on a better balance for this skillset. Building cues for flipping the switch on my physical and emotional NOW, so that I can make intentional choices about what I want to create next. I hope this will make it easier for me to be aware of my choices and make my outcomes match my intention more and more of the time.
What do you think?